“How old is your baby?”
We receive this question from curious on lookers all the time. I simply answer that she just turned one in May, and often they give me a look of ‘oh ok’ and a slight nod and then move on. Some comment on her blonde curls (to which I am quick to point out those are all from her daddy). But every time I answer this question I wonder what people are thinking. Do they just ask to be polite? Or when I answer that she is one does it throw people off because she is small and does not seem like a one year old?
In my paranoid, ‘what do people think of me’ state of mind I am always thinking about what others are thinking. And it is getting harder and harder to simply answer people’s simple question. I have not had anyone ask me yet why my little girl is not walking or why does she not sit in a normal high chair when we go out to eat, but I know this day will come. I truly do not know what I will say when it does come. Right now my go to answer is that Abigail is behind and a little special, but we do not know what is wrong.
That’s about all I have to tell people because I do not know too much more than that myself. That is what scares me the most, not the questions of curious on-lookers, but the answers I do not have for them. People want to know the black and white, the specific name of Abigail’s issues and we simply do not have them. I want to know what is wrong with my daughter. Why can’t she crawl over to the toy six inches away from her? Why can’t she run into my arms when I have been gone from her? Why can’t she point to fun things around her?
I never knew that not knowing something could weigh upon you so much. We have been to ophthalmologists, neurologists, and we are scheduled to see a geneticist. We have given countless vials of blood, preformed an MRI and an EKG and we are scheduled to do an EMG soon. We go and see our wonderful physical and occupational therapists every week. And yet no one has a single answer for us. Somedays I want to pull out my hair with frustration and other days some tears are shed over my lack of control and lack of direction in the whole situation.
But always I am reminded we serve a bigger God than any diagnoses, and this God knows my daughter better than anyone on the whole planet – He did create her from the moment she was conceived. It bothers me so much that I do not know what is wrong, but every time I get frustrated I have to step back and remember that my God is God and besides Him there is no other. He created Abigail perfectly, and He is going to use her in ways I cannot even imagine. Because of Abigail, Jordan and I are learning patience like we have never known before. We are learning that our plans are obviously not God’s plans. And most importantly, we are learning to trust. Trust in others, trust in our selves, and trust in our God.
Our daughter is perfect. I call her my oddler. She is not a baby anymore, but she does not toddle around so she is my perfect, sweet little oddler. She can drink from a straw like a pro, and she is eating pieces of table food. She is prop sitting for a whole three minutes by herself!!! She loves to pick up every thing she can find and then drop it beside her. And she has the silliest little gapped-tooth smile now, and it will absolutely melt your heart.
When I was pregnant with Abigail I wanted to pick out a Bible verse that we could pray over her her entire life. Abigail’s initials are APL like apple, so she is the apple of our eye, so I came across the perfect verse in Psalm one day, “Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings…” Psalm 17:8. That is the verse I think about often as I tuck Abigail in at night because I made a little sign of it that sits by her crib. It is a beautiful reminder that God loves my daughter more than I ever could, and He can protect her and keep her better than I ever could on my best day. Abigail is in the Lord’s able hands, and I am thankful that Jordan and I have the privilege to raise her to love the Lord.
So even though I do not know what tomorrow holds, I know my God loves me and He loves Abigail and He is greater than I could dream or imagine. God is so worthy to be praised even in the midst of the unknown.