As Mother’s Day has come and gone this past weekend this quote has been on my mind, “God doesn’t call the equipped. He equips the called.” I have heard this quote more times than I could count! But it applies so well to my motherhood. I was not equipped to be a mother. I am selfish, independent, stubborn, quiet and clueless about children. I did not really want children. I knew we weren’t ready (who is?). But everyday God equips me and gives me the strength the face another day.
When Abigail was a newborn, I literally just turned into a robot. Feed the baby. Change the baby. Get baby asleep. Eat something myself. I don’t remember a lot about those first few months. On top of all the stress a newborn brings, we were also discovering that our baby wasn’t quite normal. Abigail’s first year of life was quite a blur with all we had going on. I never felt like her mom. I was simply a glorified babysitter. I didn’t feel like a mother. But one thing I did know was that I loved my little girl, and that was enough.
It has taken me quite awhile to learn that motherhood itself is a gift. A precious, wonderful gift. I would not trade being a mother for anything. Since we have moved to this area I have become a full-time mom. Abigail is my job. She is my buddy. She is my coworker. She is often the only human I see some days. I love my little girl my than I ever thought possible. She lights up my life. Honestly, she is my life. I don’t do a lot apart from her. If people talk to me, it’s about Abigail. Sometimes I need a little me time here and there. But I treasure my gift of motherhood. I am thankful God have me Abigail. She is perfect in every way. I truly wouldn’t change a thing about her. She teaches me so much, and makes me a better person. My gift may come in a different box than everyone else’s, but she is perfectly and wonderfully made. And I am so thankful to be able to celebrate the gift of motherhood because of her!
But I still have so much to learn about motherhood. I strive to be the best, but God has been speaking to me and calling me to more. Sunday morning I surrendered fully to His calling of motherhood on my life. Our pastor brought a wonderful word that morning about Hannah. He said something that just spoke volumes to me. “God’s grace is absent at certain times of our lives to bring us to a place of dedication.” My own version would read something like, “Maybe God gives us difficulties (a special needs child) to bring us to a place of full surrender.” But then he made the point that God doesn’t only call us to fully surrender, God also calls us to fully exalt. Even in the hard times – the times it feels like God’s grace is absent. We are called to worship and exalt the King of kings and Lord of lords. So that’s what I want to do. I want to dedicate my motherhood to God. I want to surrender it fully to God. Full reliance has always been my motto since college. And lately I have forgotten it. I have taken on loads of things that aren’t mine. I have forgotten to rely on God. I have forgotten how big of a God we serve. I have forgotten to exalt Him. But on this past Mother’s Day 2018 I pray I can be the mother God has called me to be because I have first surrendered my all to Him. I have first sought His face. I have fully relied on His strength. I have dedicated my life to Him. I love being a mom to this precious little girl, and I just want to be the best mom I could possible be. I can’t do it alone, and I am thankful I do not have to. I am thankful that God has given me this precious life to raise, and I am blessed to be her mama!