Help my Unbelief

“Sleep like a baby” is such a great term to use because it is so true. When babies sleep they really sleep. I remember Abigail’s first Easter we all woke up early to make it to the church’s Sunrise service. Abigail seemed great waking up a few hours early, but by the time the Sunday service started she was gone. She knocked out about the time the choir started their first song. I am pretty sure I could have flung her any way I wanted and she would be asleep still. Jordan and I almost went into hysterics trying not to laugh out loud at her in the middle of service. Abigail has always been a great sleeper, and even as a toddler that is no exception. She sleeps around ten hours every night and then takes a two hour nap in the afternoon. Usually right around the two-hour mark she begins to wake up and I go and get her out of the crib. Today, she was snoring away when I went to check on her. I said, “Good morning, Abigail,” thinking that might wake her up. Nope. This is the picture I took then. A little girl sleeping away just like a baby. I guess she was a little more tired today.

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Just call her sleeping beauty!

But she makes me jealous. Abigail sleeps so soundly. I toss and turn all night long worrying over to do lists and things that have gone on that day. My thoughts are everywhere, but usually lean to the negative side. “I won’t ever finish this project.” “I cannot do this anymore.” “I am worried about how to go about this thing.” “Why didn’t I say this to so and so today?” The end of the day worries and regrets wash over me as I lay in my nice cozy bed. Why do we do that? Why do we hash out every little detail and let it consume our thoughts. It takes away valuable time we could be doing something so much better with. Where is our trust and faith?

That is why babies (and my husband) sleep so soundly I believe. They do not worry about things. I get so frustrated at Jordan because he does not let the small things bother him, and he can compartmentalize all his problems. He always says that he will worry about it tomorrow, and then he lays his head on his pillow and drifts off within minutes. Not me. Long after he goes asleep I am laying there, tossing and turning wondering about everything and anything.

But I realized today that Abigail has no worries because she knows everything will be provided for her. She has never been hungry or in need ever so she does not know how to go without. She has no need because every need is met. She has complete and utter trust in me, Jordan and her other family to take care of her and give her whatever she may need.

I want that absolute trust in my Heavenly Father. I want to know that I know that every need will be met in Him, so there is no need to worry about the future. I do not have this trust. I lack faith. I worry about simple things that after a week will not matter. But I want to keep growing, keep gaining this faith in God.

One of my favorite verses is when the demon-possessed boy’s father tells Jesus, “I believe, but help me in my unbelief.” That’s me. I know in my heart God is good and He will bring us through, but in my head it does not make sense how. I think it would be easier to rely on myself to see me through. But may God help me in my unbelief. May I have such child like faith as my Abigail has in me. May I know God will provide. He loves us too much not to. Oh that I may rest in His love and His provision!

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Peaceful Surrender

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What is more peaceful than a sleeping newborn? 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to never worry?? To not have to wonder why this situation has happened to you. Why that relationship failed. How the next bill will be paid. Worry takes a lot of our time, our thoughts and our energy. If you are anything like me you start to worry about one little thing and your mind then thinks of a thousand other worries to add to it.

I used to worry about Abigail a lot. When we were first discovering she was different I just knew she would have a fatal syndrome or disease that would cause her life to be shortened. I also always jump to the worst conclusions. My motto is plan for the worst and expect the worst to happen. Well Abigail could not be healthier! She is simply behind developmentally. So our worries have lessened with each test we have taken. Now we can even laugh when the doctor says it is all clear like last week.

I still have mama worries (I call them this because Daddy does not worry about them). Like last night I worried as she had a little head cold and started to cough in her sleep. But other than those simple mama worries, which 99.9% of the time turn out to be nothing, our worries have gone down dramatically.

Abigail is one of the healthiest and happiest toddlers you will meet. And we love her to pieces. Everyone does. I would not change Abigail in any way because how she is fits her little personality. I wish everyone could meet her to see what I was talking about. God made her special in so many ways. I think as we have come to know Abigail, we have accepted this is how she is. Do I pray her for her quality of life to improve as she gets older? Of course. I do not want her confined to a wheelchair for life or to be solely dependent on us forever. However, I am at peace with whatever happens in the future. Abigail will always be who God has meant for her to be.

This peace about Abigail has not happened over night. But by seeking Gods face and filling my mind with His Truth I know that He can handle this situation much better than I can. He knows Abigail inside and out. So Abigail is in His able hands. I am just blessed God gave her to us to raise. Abigail has taught us a lot as we have traveled in the midst of the unknown with her. She allows us to build our faith and trust in God daily. She brings joy and life into our home. And she teaches me contentment and peace on a daily basis.

We all travel in the unknown at times. Whether it is with a relationship, while searching for a job, or struggling through a sickness. We go through times we just do not have the answers we want. These times are scary, confusing and often times of lonely. But in those times I have found that peaceful surrender is the key. Letting go of the situation and letting God take the reins. Fully relying on God in all matters. God is continually teaching me reliance on Him, but it is worth it. Because when the load is on God, my shoulders become free to be able to see what is important in life and I can focus on God and not the problem.

I Surrender All is a powerful hymn. It is also a hymn I rarely sing because I do not surrender it all usually. Most of the time I want control. I want to fix the problem and take care of the situation. But mostly I end up simply worrying about the situation and making it worse. But when you can surrender it all to God – when you can say, “here Lord, take it all. Take all of me.” Then in that place of full surrender you can find freedom and a peace unlike any other.

An Altered Pace

I am reading Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, and she had a wonderful quote sandwiched in chapter 2 that just really spoke to me. “Jesus doesn’t participate in the rat race. He’s into the slower rhythms of life, like abiding, delighting, and dwelling – all words that require us to trust Him with our place and our pace. Words used to describe us being with Him.” As I think about an average day in my life do these words describe myself and my family? These words challenged my heart because they seem so inviting, but do we abide in God on a daily basis?

This makes me think of what does a day in the life of us look like? I have wondered what word to use to describe a day of our life, and the one word I would describe it is peaceful. That is probably not what you, or even I think of initially, but as I have thought about writing this post peaceful is what I have concluded.

Our day is filled with what everybody else’s day is filled with. Morning and bedtime routines, running errands, playing, napping, cleaning, eating, talking and laughter, and simply being a family. If you came to spend the day with us it would not be anything special, but everyday is special to me.

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I don’t always let Abigail make a mess while she eats, but she was so cute playing with her rice the other night. 

Having Abigail has taught me to slow down. You cannot rush with any child. There is no last-minute lunch dates with your best friend or random adventures with your husband. Every child slows you down to some extent. You have to take time to take care of them and love them. But with Abigail those things are slowed down even more.

Every simple routine thing takes a little longer to complete. Whether it is meal time, or getting clothed, or buckling her into her car seat things just take an extra minute with her. But through that I am learning patient endurance. It is not something someone picks to learn, but it is teaching me that life is not meant to be rushed. Jesus was intentional with every thing He did, so being intentional and present in every moment is something I strive for even if I fail often.

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Soaking in every bit of this beautiful weather we can!

I am a schedule and to-do list junkie. I love lists and schedules and I often get too caught up in them. It is my strength and my weakness. I love routine and order. But Abigail is showing me that a list is not as important as quality time. A schedule is not as important as showing love. And a routine can be changed and the world will not quit revolving. Abigail takes me out of my comfort zone a lot of times. I make a pre-planned schedule of the day in my head each morning and rarely does it ever play out the way I think it will. Abigail ends up liking an activity more than I thought she would, so we play a little longer than expected. Or she ends up not napping which means I do not get the chores I was planning to get done. She messes up my made up schedules a lot but it is teaching me to let go of them and just relax and enjoy each moment.

Today the world says rush, rush, rush. Do this event or this activity or make sure your child is in this certain thing. The comparison game is stronger than ever through social media. But I am learning not to listen to these messages the world screams. Instead I choose to listen to what my God whispers through my soul and time spent with Him. It is hard to compare Abigail to other children. I used to, but as she got further and further behind toddlers her age the comparison game quickly came to an end. She is unique and truly in her own category. She’s already backtracked on every single milestone so now any progress she makes is an answered pray. She teaches me to slow down and let peace reign because God has created her exactly the way He did for a reason.

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Our little, smiley blessing

Abigail does not run around and talk about toddler things. She does not scream or fuss or throw fits. These are not things I wish. I want her to walk and talk and communicate with us. I want her to interact with her environment. But because of the way she is our life is peaceful. We have other stresses in our life. But Jordan is always so good about reminding me that there is no need to worry about things that are out of our control. That is hard for me because I like control, and I like knowing what tomorrow holds and what next month holds. But we are living in the unknown with our little one. And we are learning to embrace the unknown.

I want to do better and live in each moment. I want the pace in our house to slow down. I want my home to be a place of rest and shelter. I want the peace of God to reign in our lives everyday no matter the situation. The days we live may pass slowly sometimes, but the years are flying by. I do not want to miss a moment of Abigail’s life. A day in our life might not be extraordinary, but it is what we make of it. And we are trying to make it the best life, full of abundant blessing!


“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

My prayer for you, dear reader, is that the peace of God finds its way into your heart and life today. It is a wonderful thing to rest in God’s able hands. May you surrender all your cares and burdens over to the Lord, for He can do much more with them than you ever could.