My Faith

I knew nothing about special needs children when we had Abigail. I was clueless and ignorant about this whole culture. The special needs world is a whole separate entity that you can’t quite relate to until you stick your feet in. But people tell me a lot, “I just don’t know how you do it.” So what’s my secret? Well it’s a little bit of ‘I’m not sure’ and a whole lot of grace. Grace for myself and grace towards Abigail. We take one day at a time around here, and just see what happens. We simply cannot know the future. That does not scare me. I know God has a huge plan for Abigail and for this family, and I like taking a back seat to God’s driving as He leads us down this road.

We are blessed to have Abigail. I will never say differently. When our journey began when she was two months we never once freaked out or cried. We heard the news, and dug right into getting Abigail all the extra help she could get because we knew we couldn’t do it ourselves. Again we were clueless. We just asked and did what people told us. Thankfully we somehow had the right people in our lives to guide us when we had no idea what to do. Some parents go through a time of grieving when their child is diagnosed, but that is just not our story. Jordan and I have never once prayed for Abigail’s healing. We have never once questioned why she is the way she is. We have never once been mad or upset for God making her the way He did. From the moment we knew she was a little different, we just accepted it and I think we loved her a little more for it.

Our two month beauty!

This does not make me a super faithful person. I am no different then any other young mother. I am tired, stressed and blessed all in one. I love my child as much as any other mother loves theirs. I have no special skills or personality traits that make me any better than anyone else. So how do I do it? How do I have so much faith even in being a mother of a special needs child? I pray everyday that God shows Himself faithful in your story, and that I can love that precious child He gave me that way she needs to be loved. I have seen God’s hand again and again during our journey. On my own I would be a confused, crying, mad mess of a woman. I would want to fight everyone and be in control of a situation completely out of my control. But I simply have faith that what God has placed in our lives He will see through to the end. Without that parachute of faith I would be free falling into despair.

In our lives, Jordan and I literally know nothing. Not only is Abigail our first and only child we have ever raised, she also has special needs. We know nothing about kids. We know nothing about discipline or schedules or learning styles. Your first kid is supposed to be your guinea pig, but on top of learning how to parent we are learning how to parent a kid who needs some extra help. It’s a double whammy that has a lot of grey areas. There are many nights Jordan and I will be talking after Abigail goes to sleep. I will be asking his advice on what we should do about this or that because we need some new direction in Abigail’s life in a certain area and we both shrug our shoulders. We have no idea what to do with her some days. It’s a large learning curve that is a lot to handle sometimes. I am a planner. Like a huge planner that needs details – lots and lots of details. Parenting has challenged me a lot. Special needs parenting has challenged me even more. You can’t plan everything. There’s been a lot of winging it and trying things to see if they work or not. But hey, it’s an adventure that I get to take with my two favorite people!

I don’t want to sound like I have it all together. I have days I yell at Abigail. We have lots of days now where we butt heads. I huff at her and she huffs at me. I don’t always like her. I have shed lots of tears over things doctors have told us. I have shed tears thinking how much Abigail misses out on. I have shed tears just because it has been a long day, and I know we have a looong journey ahead of us. I worry about the future. I worry about what Abigail will do in life. I worry and fret and stew. We have bad days here. We will have lots of bad days to come. BUT thankfully I have a very smiley, blonde headed girl who keeps me going.

She has more faith than I have most days, and her simply faith encourages me. Abigail is very trusting. She has no sense of what hurt is or falling. If you ask her if she wants to fall she will say yes. If you ask her if she wants to get hurt she will say yes. To her it is all a game. (and yes she has fallen and been hurt and no, that does not seem to have any affect on her). She trusts whomever she is with to care for her and hold her up or carry her where she needs to be. I want that kind of faith in God. A faith so rooted in trust that He is good and that He has my best interest in mind, that I do not fear falling. I don’t have to fear the scary parts of life or the unknowns. I don’t have to worry about the what if’s. I want to have so much faith in God that I can laugh at the days to come (Proverbs 31:25). So much faith that I have joy even in the midst of sorrow and pain. So much faith that my Father will see us through that I can enjoy every moment now. I am not there yet, but I pray God continues to grow my faith, and that I can live each day knowing He is in control.

I know God loves this girl more than I do, but it’s hard to imagine how when she gives me such sweet kisses!

How We Keep Pressing On

The other night I was sharing Abigail’s story with some ladies from church, and I realized that I haven’t shared her full story in a long time. Abigail has been through a lot in her three short years of life. Of course, compared to many we are so blessed that she has never suffered any medical issues. But she has been through it all when it comes to testing. I think every part of her has been tested in one way or the other over the years, and we still aren’t done with it. Abigail has of course handled all of this like a champ. You wouldn’t know looking at her that she has been put under three times and has been poked and prodded more times than anyone has a right to be. But she does so well through it all. When she had her piece of bicep removed last year for her muscle biopsy within hours she was pushing herself up with that arm. I know she doesn’t understand why we take her to so many doctors, but I am thankful she is so easy-going and trusts us when we do have to do tests with her.

But a lot of times people wonder how Jordan and I have felt about all these tests over the years. How have we bore this so well? How do we live with the fact that we still have zero answers? How do we feel as parents of a special needs child? Honestly, I can’t tell you in words exactly. But I can say (whether you believe it or not) that we have never been miserable during this journey. We have never felt hopeless. I can say that it has not been in our power or strength or determination that we have gotten through. I know God has been with us all the way and it is through Him that we have such peace about Abigail.

This girl keeps us laughing and smiling! She makes life so much better.

I have shed tears of frustration over having no answers. I have shed tears that Abigail can’t participate in things other kids can. I have cried about not knowing the future. I have cried over doctors’ words and opinions. But I have never sunken to misery over anything. I have a good little cry and I’m over it and on to having fun! Even when we first found out about Abigail’s condition we didn’t panic or spiral into sadness. We listened, absorbed and went right into how do we help her. We were never sad we had a baby with special needs. We never regretted it. We never questioned it. We just accepted Abigail for who she was and how God made her and tried to adapt our life to her needs.

I love having a special needs child. I could not imagine life any differently now. And the thought of raising a typical kid scares me. I just don’t know that world. Of course, I would have never chosen this life. I want to see Abigail be a normal three-year old, but right now that’s not the cards we were handed. I think we live a very blessed life. It may look different in some ways, but we are just a typical family trying to get by in this world. But I love our unique little life and our unique little daughter. She doesn’t fit into any mold. She is writing her own story.

We are not special parents. We were not made for this. We don’t possess some quality that makes us better than anyone else. So how do we parent a special needs child? We simply love Abigail with all our hearts and, of course, we want the best for her. We trust that God has a plan for her. We have faith that her life will be an inspiration for someone. We believe in Abigail whole heartedly. We step back and breathe sometimes. We cry on hard days. We worry on other days. But we have peace about her and her future. We have had to pray for this, but God has given us wisdom and wonderful people to help guide us so far. We have found some amazing help along the way. Our team of doctors and therapists have been top-notch, and I know they have contributed everything we have lacked in this journey. And having an amazing teammate through this journey has helped me! Jordan is my level-headed support. When I get in a tizzy he brings me back to what really matters. Without him I probably would be a puddle of tears somewhere. We just take one day at a time.

I love this family of mine!!

Each day is a learning journey since there isn’t a lot of others who have gone ahead of us. Each day comes with new challenges. Each day comes with new joys. Abigail surprises us constantly with what she comes up with and how far she progresses (my next blog topic). I am blessed to be her mama and I am honored God gave her to us. Whatever her future may hold I am team Abigail all the way.

We have Bad Days Too

I know on social media it seems like our life is hunky dory and that we have it all together. It might seem like I am some amazing mom or that Abigail is a perfect angel. But let me tell you that is false. We have bad days too. I suffer with never being content. I worry about tomorrow. I always wonder what I could be doing better, or I lay in bed pondering what more I could have done today. I worry I am not good enough. My toddler is a toddler still. She throws fits and screams in restaurants when we do not dip her french fries fast enough. She fights me. She hates getting dressed or me changing her diaper. I get frustrated at her and have to walk away for a minute. I have cried that my kid has special needs. I have cried that life is not fair. I have watched my husband be hurt time and time again as he tries to begin his career. I have seen doors slammed in our face, as everyone else seems to run through every door they encounter. I have been excluded and judged. I have been hurt by people’s questions. I have experienced highs and lows. I have been lonely and felt like no one understands. Life is not one big, joyful dance all the time.

But (aren’t you glad for this lovely transition word?) in all the hardships we have been through I have found peace and joy. I can say I love my life, and if I could do it over and change things I would not. All our experiences have molded me into who I am. All the hardships have refined my character. I see the world differently than I used to. I can empathize so much better with others. I have matured, and I hope I am better than I used to be. I have learned to place my feet on the Rock. With my steady foundation I cannot be moved. When my hope is placed on things above this world then I can find peace and love and joy. I can rise above my heartaches and troubles. I can find hope. My heart has been changed and rearranged these last few years of marriage and being a mom, but I am so glad God is in the business of heart transformations! I know I still have a lot of work, and it will be hard and probably hurt some. But with God as my architect, I know my end product will be glorious.

It is not a matter of if we have bad days, what matters is what happens when bad days come. We are all going to face our own fiery furnaces just as the Jewish boys did in Daniel. The pastor at church read this story Sunday, and even though he preached nothing about this part I had my own mini sermon in my pew. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are thrown into a fiery furnace for not worshipping the king’s idol. They are bound and thrown into the flames. Then as the king watches them, he realizes that are not burning up they are walking around. There are four guys in this flaming oven, unbound, and walking around. Wow! God showed me that we have that same opportunity when we face bad days. When bad things happen, and we encounter our fiery furnace we too can still find freedom! God still meets us in our hardships. He walks right into the middle of the furnace and frees us. With God, we can walk around, unbound, right in the middle of our bad day. This is such powerful truth that we so often forget. God frees us for more. He frees us from the lies. He frees us from hardships. He frees us to be more like Him. He frees us so we can be changed and do some changing in this world. We are bound, but God frees us to walk with Him even if we are in a fiery furnace!

Yes, we all encounter bad days, bad weeks, and even bad years. Hardships happen. Sadness, depression, anger, bitterness sneaks into our lives. Death and sickness are all around us. The world is very bleak. But our hope is not in this world. So today, if you feel shackled by a heavy burden, or underneath a load of guilt and shame remember there is Someone who will meet you where you are. He will enter into the flames with you, and He can free you in the midst of it all. Even in the midst of the unknown, the troubles, and the worries you can walk, unbound, with the One who holds the whole world in His hands. I pray you find God today. I pray you remember who He is, and what He can do. I pray you find freedom. I pray that even in the midst of a bad day, you can find joy and live an abundant life in Christ. I pray you find peace, and most of all I pray you walk freely even in the midst of flames. I love the end of this story. Daniel 3: 27 reads, “And {all the leaders} gathered together and saw that the fire had not had any power over the bodies of those men. The hair of their heads was not signed, their cloaks were not harmed, and no smell of fire had come upon them.” The fire had no power over them!!! What if that was said about you, “The bad day had no power over her.” The diagnosis had no power over her. The sudden loss had no power over her. The unknown future had no power over her. The time of waiting had no power over her. Yes, the bad days will come, but we have the ability to find victory in Jesus. The bad days will come, but they do not have to debilitate us. The bad days will come, but they do not have to steal our joy. We have bad days too, but they have no power over me!

I would hate myself if I also did not say that this family helps me keep it all together too! Especially my man! He is so level headed, and when my emotions take over he can always talk me down from the cliff, so to speak. One time when we had a really bad day at the doctor’s office, he looked over at my blubbering self and said, “Heather, it’s okay. We will always have each other, and my family is all I need.” Yes, even in the midst of it all, at least I have these two lovely people!!! God has blessed us beyond measure!

Do I Fear the Future?

This is a tough subject. It is human nature to be worrisome about what the future holds. Many of us, like myself, like to have a plan and know exactly what will happen tomorrow. I know there are people out there who throw caution to the wind, and who can be spontaneous and have no idea what they are doing this afternoon. I am jealous of people like that. But that will never be me. I am not built for spontaneity. So with my personality I am more prone to worry about the future, especially with a future I cannot plan.

Abigail is very unique. She does not quite fit into any box when it comes to special needs. She has no medical issues. She has no behavioral issues.  She is progressing daily. She has no diagnosis. She is a puzzle to the medical community. And because of all that we have no prognosis. We have no idea if she will ever walk or talk. She has the potential to be an absolutely normal fifth grader. She also has the potential to be developmentally behind her whole life and never mentally leave childhood. She may live with us forever.

I have no idea how to pray for Abigail’s future. With most children you pray for wisdom as they grow up. You pray that they would seek after God, and their passions. You pray for their future spouse. But how can I pray for those things when I’m not sure they will happen? My prayer for now is just for Abigail’s independence. Even if she lives with us forever, I want her to be independent and be able to care for herself as much as possible.

I do pray Abigail overcomes her disabilities. I pray she walks one day. I pray we will have a conversation one day, and I will hear her voice. I pray she will sing songs in the shower. I pray she will be able to make herself her favorite sandwich in the kitchen. I pray she will be able to pick out her own outfit and dress herself one day. What happy days those would be! But even if none of that happens. Even if I care for her every day until I’m 80 and she is 60, I somehow have peace about that too. It doesn’t make sense, and I know I’ll be tired and frustrated some days. Some days I’ll want to throw in the towel or give up on her. Some days I’ll be jealous other people’s kids are getting married and they have grandchildren now. But through it all I know it will be okay because that bond that me and Abs share today will only multiple in the next 20 years. You can’t take care of someone that long and not love them with an indescribable love.

I love my little girl and I will love her when she is 52. We have no idea what her future holds. I pray it is filled with joys and dreams and small victories. I pray for strength for her daily. I pray she impacts lives. I pray she loves herself and knows she is beautiful. I pray she never sees her disabilities as bad. They simply are a part of who she is. But in it all I don’t worry about her future. I don’t pray for healing. I don’t hope God fixes her. I have peace He made her perfectly. I have peace that He has a plan. And I am excited to see this plan unfold for her. So watch out world! This mama/daughter duo may take the world by storm, but we will do it together. I cannot think of a future more wonderful than doing life with the people I love most!

When Nothing Goes as Planned

Five years ago today I stood on a dock and watched this boy that I had learned to love get down on one knee and ask me to marry him. We should have known that night would have been a reflection of what the rest of our life would be like. Blessed, helping each other, sweet memories, and nothing going as planned. That’s the last few years in a nutshell. When Jordan asked me to be his wife, I did not get butterflies. We just are not the mushy, gushy kind of people. Honestly, about 2 minutes after he put the ring on my finger a beautiful rainbow came out and shone right over the dock. I ran out and leaned over the edge, jumping all about over the rainbow, forgetting all about the huge diamond for a minute. It probably was a very strange engagement if anyone had been there, but it was so us! Why was I so excited about a rainbow? I just felt like God was saying that He would bless us. It was a special sign to me, that me and Jordan would be okay. That we would be will taken care of. That God was looking down on us at that moment and giving us His blessing. And through all we have gone through, God has continued to be with us so I am still thankful for that tiny, beautiful reminder!

The night he popped the question – June 18, 2013. My parents wanted him to do it on their 25th anniversary, and today they are celebrating their 30th!!!

In these five short years nothing has gone as we once planned. From jobs to children everything we have tried to do has been turned all around. I wish I could go into details, but this just isn’t the place and also I wouldn’t have to space I need to write everything. But today I can look back on these last five years and truly wonder how did we make it? What is our next step? What does God have planned for us? So many questions, and very little answers. But I have faith that God has a bigger plan for our lives, and that my husband is the best leader for our family. With that faith I just take one day at a time and trust!

Jordan and I met at college as we were both resident assistants in our dorms. But what brought us together was the fact that we both wanted to go into ministry. One summer evening we sat at a table at Sonic. Perfect strangers, but with stories to share and those stories made Jordan pay attention to me. That’s where are relationship started.

Our very first picture together.

We planned to be ministry partners together as he led a youth group. Well after multiple and painful attempts at getting a job we are still without a ministry at a church. Jordan is now facing having to return to school so he can get a degree in education and become a teacher. Another lifelong dream of his. We have no idea why God slammed every door in our face. We have no idea why jobs we tried for were not offered. We have no idea why we were called to ministry just to be taken on this route instead. It is a big unknown still in our life.

Of course, another big unknown is Abigail. In the midst of applying, interviewing and being turned down for countless ministry jobs we had a beautiful little girl. And that little girl has led us on a whole other journey that I have written about countless times. She is another unknown factor in our lives. Abigail comes with a huge question mark. We can’t make a lot of future plans because we simply don’t know the future. Of course, one big unknown is will we have more children. Abigail puts a damper on that decision. If her condition is genetic then we are scared to risk having another child like Abigail or even worse than Abigail. We love Abigail to pieces and we aren’t worried about having another special needs child. We are worried about our children’s quality of life. We feel it isn’t right to bring a child into this world when we know the chances of them never functioning on their own is slim. We would much rather adopt than make a child suffer in away way! It is such a big unknown, and we spend a lot of time talking and praying about it.

We have always been mature for our age, but these experiences over the last five years have aged us decades I feel. So often I feel like we have already known each other for decades instead of just the short six years it has been. When I said ‘yes’ to My Man those five years ago I had no idea our life wold look like this. I had no idea we would be living in the house my husband grew up in with a special needs child, with no ministry job and one of us would be going back to school. What a rollercoaster this journey has been with my man. And it is just beginning. We are only four years into marriage. FOUR! I cannot believe it. But through it all I have had my rock. We have helped each other laugh and cry and talk out everything. I am so thankful I have never had to do any of this alone. I have an amazing partner through it all. We truly are so blessed to have each other, and our baby, and our amazing families to love us and help us in our time of need. I am not sure what tomorrow holds. But five years ago this man asked me to do life with him, and I will always stand on that commitment. We knew within two months of dating each other that we would be married. I knew Jordan was the one I wanted to spend my life with, and I am so honored that he picked me. He put a ring on it, and we have never looked back. So here’s to many years of being thankful to saying ‘yes’ to My Man. Wherever to Lord may lead, at least He led us to each other first!

Love walking hand in hand with this man!!

All About Daddy

My favorite things about My Man, Jordan. The man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. My baby daddy. My rock. My support. My constant encourager. I could make other lists just about things I love about this man! But in light of Father’s Day I tried to keep them on a more fatherly note. Happy Father’s Day, everyone!!!

1) We found out I was pregnant on Jordan’s birthday. I think he loved that birthday gift. He nearly tackled me in excitement when the stick said I was pregnant. I love that he was so ready and excited to be a dad. He always has wanted kids from day one, and I am so thankful for a man who loved his children even when they were almost nonexistent.

2) “It’s a girl.”

We just looked at each other and smiled when the ultrasound tech said that. I have never seen my husband smile that big either. He wanted a girl, and still wants a houseful of them. It was definitely a great memory! A daddy of girls. He is so good with her, and I hope we have some other girls to complete his all-girls dreams.

They took a lot of naps together in those early days!

3) That moment he cried while Abigail was having test done at a day old in the hospital. At a day old Jordan loved that 7 pound baby more than anyone else. It was stunning to me how much he loved her and I knew I would be an amazing dad.

4) All those nights he would stay up late with her while I got some rest. He was the perfect partner in those early days. I had day shift and he had nights, and would come let me nurse and then take her back downstairs again. We loved our system!

5) Those sweet giggles only Daddy could bring out in Abigail. I posted a video of it on Facebook the other day. You will have to check it out if you haven’t yet. He could always make her laugh! Here’s the link for this video if you want to watch it. 

6) Wrestling time with daddy – Abigail loves it! She loves to crawl on him and ‘beat him up’. She loves to pull his hair and be tickled back. Of course, wrestling for Abigail means trying to desperately pull up on you while hurting you in every way possible. But it still is cute!

7) Abigail loves to tap her little hand against you. Abigail used to not want to hug Jordan. She’s getting better, but for awhile we couldn’t get her to hug him. So we started doing love taps, and it’s still the cutest thing. Abigail will crawl right up beside him and gently tap Jordan’s face or his stomach or his arm and talk to him. It’s how she wakes him up and I love it!

8) I love my twinsies. They looked alike from day 1 and still look alike today. But she has a lot of her daddy in her too. She is stubborn and independent and has the best sense of humor.

9) These last two are my sentimental thoughts, but the way Jordan fights to support us. We have been through a lot in our four years of marriage with Jordan’s career. We have not had a lot of good ‘luck’ as some would call it. But through it all Jordan has kept working even at jobs that he should never have to work. He has fully supported us for the last two years and I am so thankful he has never quit. He just keeps going for us and I know we are both blessed by his work ethic every day!!

10) Lastly, is the way Jordan loves me. The way parents love their children reflects so much of how the child will grow up. It impacts how the child perceives love and often it impacts their relationships with their future spouses. I am thankful to have a man who loves me. Who sacrifices for us. Who has committed to me his life and love. I pray our marriage stands the tests and trials that come, and that our love can be a model to our children that a good marriage can be had. That love isn’t a feeling. And that we are simply trying to reflect God’s love to them.

My Small Life

It’s funny how life works out isn’t it? I love planning. I plan everything months in advance and make two thousand lists of everything you can think of. Of course, I had my life planned out in 6th grade. I planned to graduate high school, go to Berry College, and get a degree in education. Then I was going to teach for a few years as I worked on my Masters of Library Sciences from UGA. I would eventually achieve my greatest dream of becoming an elementary school librarian – my dream since second grade. I can’t make this stuff up. As you see I had no aspirations of a husband or kids. Just a dream job so I thought.

Now I am married, have a kid and a degree in Christian Studies from Truett-McConnell. None of my plans came about. None. Zip. Zero. My senior year God steered me to Truett instead of Berry. Then my freshman year, He called me away from my dreams. He called me to fully trust Him. He directed me to the degree I received, and toward a blonde headed man I also married. You’ll be glad to know I have no idea what my future holds. At this point I simply have to hope God has a plan, because I weirdly don’t. I plan all the daily details, but I don’t know what five years down the road holds anymore.

Today, I lead a small life. Kathleen Kelly in You’ve Got Mail wrote this in an email, “Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small.” I’ve always loved that quote. That’s me- a small, but valuable life. I don’t see a lot of people most days. I spend all my time with a three year old who doesn’t talk. I do a lot of talking to myself – well I’m talking to Abigail, but really to myself. I’ve gotten a lot of stares in the grocery store, but that’s okay. That’s how she will learn how to talk is by hearing words, right??

I’m just a small town girl. A stay at home mom. A wife. A servant of God who tries to be faithful. A friend to a few. A daughter and granddaughter. Such a simple life. Some would probably say it is boring. Some would say it is pointless. Sometimes it seems useless. Sometimes I feel awful for not helping Jordan provide an income for our family. Yes, it is small. Yes, it is often not rewarding. Yes, it often goes unnoticed. Yes, it is lonely. Yes, it seems like I could be doing more. But I am thankful for my small life. The small little moments I get to have with my daughter every day. And I couldn’t even begin to express my thanks for my husband. He works hard to support us. He misses out on so much, and has made so many sacrifices just to keep working for us. He lets me pursue my dreams, and tells me to do whatever I want to do whether it’s blogging or writing a book or making crafts. He supports all my crazy dreams and he encourages me daily! He keeps me grounded when I get emotional, and helps me sort through all my millions of plans.

I never planned for my life to be like this. I honestly don’t know what the future holds. But I like my small life. I have dreams and plans, and I pray they are fulfilled. But these plans aren’t about what my future job is or making lots of money (well I never dreamed about that anyways). My dreams are more realistic now. Little seeds of hope God is planting in my hungry heart. My plans include family, and helping others. That’s my prayer now – that this small, simple life I lead will impact those around me. That I can be a servant to everyone I meet, and that our story will help someone else’s. Yes, my life is small, but it is a very blessed life that I wouldn’t trade for anything!

I love this small life and my family!

Carry Me

I carried her inside of me for nine months. I loved being pregnant. Well, after I got past the wanting to die because I was so sick part of it then I loved it. I loved feeling her inside me and watching her wiggle around in there. I really had no problems except for being sick the first trimester. I just remember wondering what Abigail would look like the whole pregnancy. I don’t think either of us expected her to have blonde hair and blue eyes, but I’m so glad she got her daddy’s traits!!

The day before I was induced. May 7, 2015 – last day pregnant

The first time I had to carry Abigail was hours after she was born. The hospital we had Abigail in transferred you upstairs to a mother/baby room after you finished in the labor and delivery room. They put me in a wheelchair and Jordan handled all our bags. (Our 15 bags we brought because we were so overly prepared – oops!) Then they placed that seven pound little baby in my arms – all swaddled so perfectly as any nurse in that ward can do! I honestly could think nothing else but ‘don’t drop her, don’t drop her’. I was so exhausted from giving birth I didn’t think my arms could hold her much longer. The trip upstairs lasted an eternity with me thinking my ‘hold on to this baby’ mantra the whole way. But we made it. My arms kept her safe the whole way. And now I laugh thinking about how I thought 7 pounds was heavy.

The awful wheelchair trip. I was so tired!!

Now I still carry Abigail everywhere. I carry her to breakfast and then back upstairs to get dressed. I carry her to and from the car. I carry her so often that I don’t even think about it being odd to have to carry a three year old everywhere you go. It’s amazing how your body adapts to what you need. I am a weakling. I am not scared to admit it because it’s the truth. I have never really worked out a day in my life and I am truly okay if I never do until I die. I love to walk and swim, but the thought of working out sounds awful to me. But I have carried Abigail A LOT in the past three years (and I haven’t even dropped her once – knock on wood.) I have gotten some arm cramps, but my body has slowly adapted to carrying her around. Thankfully she gains weight slowly so my arms have time to adjust to her weight. And I am thankful my little girl is only on the 9th percentile for weight. Could you imagine if she was in the 90th? Maybe God made her small on purpose! That’s what I like to believe at least. Abigail’s weight is different than a normal toddler’s because she doesn’t support herself much at all. She is getting better, but most days she is like carrying around a sack of flour – literally. There’s no help. No give and take. It’s all of me carrying all of her. If you ask her to hold on she will kind of hug your neck for a few seconds before simply just letting go. She is just too trusting. She knows that you won’t drop her. Abigail fully relies on you to do all the work and get her where she needs to go.

Carrying her in for a doctor’s appointment.

A lot of people say how I’m a good mom or how I always seem to be happy. I guess a lot of people wonder how I can have such a great attitude about having a child with special needs. Maybe people wonder how I can be so confident when we know so little as to why Abigail is the way she is. It’s because, like Abigail, I am also being carried. Full reliance on God has been my motto since college, and it hasn’t failed me yet. But I struggle with it daily! Oh I wish I had a childlike faith. I wish I could be as free and innocent as Abigail. But one thing I do know is that no matter what this life may throw at me, I am being carried. God won’t ever forsake me or make me doubt His goodness. He is Lord and His ways are better than my ways.

I am reminded of that famous poem that used to be so popular, “Footprints in the Sand.” I will post it below for those who need a reminder. But it is very true that in your lowest moments, God is always there. He never promises our lives will be without sorrow, heartbreak and pain. But God promises over and over in the Bible that He would never leave us or forsake us. God taught me a little object lesson once and it has always stuck with me. God always shines brighter when it is darker just as the stars always seem to increase when you get away from the lights. The darkness is often scary and very lonely, but God can show off in the darkness. When you can’t see to guide yourself then it’s time to let God guide you. When you don’t know what step to take, let God lead you. And when you don’t know how you can make it, let God carry you. When you can rely fully on Someone else then all those fears, doubts and worries seem to handle themselves. God won’t ever drop you. He won’t ever let go. Cling to Him, cry to Him, and find comfort in Him as He carries you.

So glad I get to carry this sweet thing! We love each other so much!!!

Yes, my arms are often full! Between carrying Abigail and her bag and whatever else we may need that day it becomes a juggling act. But I love that my arms are full with a little girl who I can call mine. And God loves when we come to Him too. I know I can carry Abigail better because He has shown me how to be carried. I can love better because He has shown me how to love. And I can be the mother He has called me to be because I find my strength in Him. I am not perfect by any means, and I struggle with these truths daily, but I am learning that dependency on God is good and I am thankful for His never ending presence and His arms of love that carry me onward even when I don’t know what is ahead. At least I am being carried by Someone who will always take me where I need to go.

Footprints in the Sand

“One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”

My Partner Through it All

My blogs focus a lot around Abigail because let’s face it when you have a cute baby that people care about they want to hear about the latest updates and all the details of her development. I love sharing our story and telling about all the things I am learning and things Abigail is teaching me. But this story would not be complete, it would not even be possible, without someone I rarely talk about. Not because I don’t like that person, but because he isn’t one to draw attention to himself. He is my other half, my hubby and my best friend. Jordan isn’t mentioned a lot because this space is usually reserved for Abigail, but Jordan is who keeps our story running and tonight I thought I would share how Abigail has impacted our marriage.

In a world where the divorce rate is skyrocketing and single parenthood is so common, I am thankful I can share my story. Of course we are no experts at marriage. We only have four very short years under our belts and one kid. There are millions of other couples who could give lots better advice, but I am not here to dish out marriage advice tonight. I am simply here to share our story – our short, crazy, unplanned story.

Jordan and I met in college. If I was sitting down with you over smoothies (I hate coffee, so I’m saying smoothies) I would give way to many details about the beginning of our relationship which mostly include him thinking I was a crazy weirdo (he still thinks that too) and me thinking he was too popular and cool to be with the likes of little old me. But since I’m not sharing our dating life, let’s just say it’s a miracle we ever made it to the girlfriend/boyfriend stage. However we did, and then 6 weeks into dating I nearly died. I might be exaggerating a little, but I did have a freak bleeding episode and had a 2 night stay in the hospital that included 4 blood transfusions, 5 IVs and a surgery so it was pretty intense. But my boyfriend of only 6 weeks stayed with me through it all. Well that brought us pretty close pretty fast. Only 2 weeks after my hospital stay Jordan told me he loved me. He said, “as I watched you laying on that hospital bed the only thing I could think was, ‘my girlfriend is going to die,’ and that thought actually made me sad.” That’s Jordan for you. He is a very romantic and sympathetic man as you can see. But it all worked out for me because I caught me a man and that man became my husband a little over a year after that.

I tell that whole story to say that maybe God brings medical cases into our lives to wake us up and help us realize something. He used my hospital stay to bring me and Jordan together, and now He is using Abigail and all her disabilities to build our family. Did I want to bleed to death to get a guy to fall in love with me? No! Do I want my daughter to have special needs so our family can be shaped and molded a certain way? Of course not. But God is using Abigail to teach us so much.

I am thankful to have Jordan walking this road with me. We have been through a lot with Abigail as any parent has been with their child. We have heard multiple doctors assessments of her, we have had multiple strangers praise her beauty, we have seen her progress leaps and bounds. We have seen her with needles and wires all about her and in her. We have held each other when we both have had to cry. Jordan keeps me sane when this world feels out of control. When I get all emotional, he keeps me steady and level-headed. He is my solid rock, my listening ear and my loyal companion. While I stay home with Abigail and work with her and deal with all her doctors and therapists, Jordan makes all that possible and he helps me be a better mom.

Having a child will impact your marriage. Children change you life in so many ways. We only had 6 short months of marriage before we found out we were pregnant. I didn’t think I was cut out to be a mom. Neither of us knew what we were doing, but we survived. Thankfully God gave us the easiest baby in the universe so Abigail made it easy. But no parent wants to hear there’s something wrong with their baby, and that’s all we have heard from doctors from 2 months on. There’s an issue with her eyes, there’s an issue with her muscle tone, there’s an issue with this or that. But no one can tell us why those issues are there. But through it all I have had a partner and a best friend. Jordan has experienced it all with me. Our marriage has been forged deeper because of all this. When we have had no one else we have had each other.

Children impact every part of you. They impact relationships and they impact your marriage. Some parents build their lives around their children and not their marriage which is devastating. Some marriages break up when one spouse or the other finds out their child will never be ‘normal’. There are thousands of reasons marriages don’t make it. But when calamity strikes, when you receive that bad news you never want to hear, when the world just seems too much to handle – I couldn’t imagine doing it alone. I am thankful our marriage has survived this so far, and I pray it continues to stand strong. I love living life with my best friend! I love always having a friend to talk to. I love my husband and our little family of three.

Our Christmas Sloth

We have a Christmas tradition in our house that started when I was just a child. Every year my mom would let my brother and I pick out our own Christmas ornaments to hang on the tree. Then when we got married she gave all our ornaments to us. Well I wanted to do this when Jordan and I got married, but I wanted ornaments that reflected the year before. Then Abigail came along and I had to start buying her ornaments too.

I’m usually on top of things – like I know what ornament to get in October, but this year I just couldn’t find the right one for Abigail. I knew I wanted to get her an ornament that represented her getting her little pink glasses. That was a big thing for her this year, and what people know her for. But they don’t sell a lot of ornaments with glasses on them. So my next plan was to buy a pink pair of kids shades and pop the lenses out and tie them to our tree. Well can you say tacky?? Okay, so then I thought I would buy a cute animal ornament that reminded me of Abigail and buy some wire and attach pink glasses to said animal. Now that would be cute I thought, so now what animal reminds me of Abigail? I had no idea. I texted Jordan at work and right about the time he responded I thought about a sloth. Two minutes later he replied with sloth. Wow! We hadn’t even talked about it and we both thought the same thing. So I got on Etsy and found a shop that sold little felt sloths. The owner even put little pink glasses on the sloth after I told her what I wanted. It’s one of my favorite ornaments on our tree now. My little Abigail sloth!

See the similarities between her and the sloth behind her? Such a perfect picture for this!

But why is Abigail like a sloth? I googled sloths and learned some cool facts about them and I have 10 ways Abigail is just like a sloth. They made me laugh so enjoy!! And Merry Christmas…I’ll be here admiring our little sloth ornament.

 

• Sloths are slow. Everyone knows that, but what’s is funny is that sloths are pretty useless when they are on the ground. That’s why they stay in the trees all the time, but once a week they have to get down to go to the bathroom and that is when they are most likely to be ate because their long claws that help them navigate the trees, make them obsolete on the ground. Abigail can relate. She is pretty obsolete on the ground too. Sure she can wiggle and pull herself around slowly, but don’t expect her to be winning any marathons with her sloth-like movements.
• Who has ever seen a picture of an ugly sloth? They are all so cute! And Abigail is no exception to this sloth rule. Everywhere she goes she gets compliments of her beauty.
• This one made me laugh, but sloths only poop once a week. It has something to do with their slow metabolism. But gosh, we struggle with Abigail’s bowel movements all the time. Since she never is up or moving I swear her little bowels hate her, poor thing.
• Contrary to popular belief, sloths in the wild don’t really sleep that often. They sleep about 10 hours a day. Abigail also does not sleep that often either. She is getting better in her new bed, but bedtimes are a struggle around here.
• Sloths can turn their heads like an owl because they are missing two vertebras in their neck, so that makes them pretty flexible. I have never seen a more flexible kid than Abigail. Her PT always says things like I am not sure this is the right way for her to move, but she seems to be able to do it so lets go with it. She can reach the top of their head with her toes. When I put jackets on Abigail I swear I bend her arm backwards, but she doesn’t seem to mind. If she were ever able to I would love to put her in gymnastics!
• Sloths are not social creatures. They live alone unless it is time to mate. Abigail is social to adults, but not to children. She would be okay being the only kid in the room at all times. Maybe she is just a little jealous of them too.
• Baby sloths are very attached to their mothers. They stay together up to four years before the baby sloth separates from them. Gosh, I feel for that mom. Abigail and I have a strong attachment. I cannot even leave the room before she starts crying missing me. She literally goes everywhere I go.
• Sloths are only 25% muscle. I feel like that’s Abigail. Her poor little muscles have caused us issues from day one. Whether it’s her eyes, her legs, or her core it’s all a muscle thing.
• Sloths are tiny for being mammals. They just don’t get that big, and I don’t think Abigail every will get big either. She has always been in the 5-10 percentile of her weight. And her feet and hands are the tiniest little things.
• A sloth’s facial coloring makes it look like they are always smiling. And Abigail is always smiling. I don’t know how or why but she is. Even this weekend after throwing up about 8 times in a row she still laughed in the doctor’s office! That’s our little sloth!!